For many, the lead-up to Christmas is filled with excitement and joy, but for others, it can be a time of deep sadness, anxiety, and despair—feelings so overwhelming they might think they’re losing their grip. This is often the reality for those who are grieving. Festive occasions like birthdays, graduations, and weddings can amplify those feelings, making the holidays especially challenging
Since Ciara’s passing eight years ago, I’ve learned to navigate Christmas without the same level of dread I once felt, though a tinge of guilt sometimes lingers. Initially, the season was a painful reminder of loss, but over time, I discovered strategies that helped me find light and meaning during the holidays. I want to share these techniques, hoping they might bring comfort and support to others facing similar struggles
The First Crystal Clear Windows of Grief
In the early days, I felt like a distant observer, trapped behind a glass wall as others savoured their Christmas traditions. It was surreal, my emotions stuck in a loop when everyone else seemed to move forward. Christmas collided with my emotional state, leaving me shocked and overwhelmed,
In those moments of trauma and loss, I learned the importance of allowing myself to feel everything head-on. By confronting my grief, the intense emotions became less daunting. I permitted myself to cry, to reflect, and to hold onto the sadness rather than dismiss it for the facade of happiness. I know now it was PTSD.
The First Christmas
Our first Christmas as a family, we spent a few days in London, returning to a cold, undecorated Kilkenny house on 23rd December—deliberately so. In a whirlwind, we bought a tree, hung decorations, stocked up on food, and invited our large extended family for Christmas dinner. In doing it in a rush I didn't have to much free time to think. And this business helped.
There will always be someone missing from the Christmas table. I have read some people set a place on the table to ease their pain, but for me it would only exacberate the pain. e We are lucky to have a large extended family so filled out table with in laws and cousins.
Special Decorations
My coucnsellor told me to get a special christmas decoration for Ciara, some people advice getting a present, but we felt a decoration for the tree was suited. During my first Christmas, I purchased a Newbridge Silver star to adorn the tree. The following year, Kodaline dedicated a song called "Angel" to Ciara, which motivated us to begin collecting angel figurines and receiving angel-themed gifts from both family and Ciara's friends. Consequently, our tree now shines like a glittering constellation of angels.
Supports
Early on, I realised that isolating myself wouldn’t help me heal. Ciara has 24 first cousins, and many aunties and uncles, so we made a conscious effort to come together as an extended family to remember her and support one another through the pain.
Talking about Ciara was difficult at times because it made her absence feel even more real, but it also brought comfort and connection as we shared memories.
A Journey Towards Christmas Light
As time passed, I grew more comfortable with Christmas. Instead of viewing Christmas as a reminder of loss, I tried to see it as a celebration of love, nostalgia, and hope. It does not mean forgetting Ciara; rather, it is about weaving memories of her into our Christmas. That takes hard work.
After eight years, I now approach Christmas with a renewed sense of optimism. While I still miss Ciara deeply. At first, I felt guilty for not giving in to the overwhelming sorrow. The days of guilt have lessened, and I now feel more comfortable, eagerly looking forward to Christmas.
Feel Your Feelings: It’s okay to be sad, angry, or happy. Don’t hide your feelings—tell someone you trust how you’re feeling.
Don’t Do Too Much: If Christmas feels too hard, it’s okay to skip some things. Only do what makes you feel safe and comfortable.
Remember Them in a Special Way: Light a candle, hang an ornament, or tell a story about your loved one to keep their memory close.
Do Something New: Try starting a new tradition, like baking their favourite cookies or making a craft that reminds you of them.
Talk to Family and Friends: Spend time with people who care about you. Share funny or happy memories about your loved one together.
Take Quiet Time: If the noise and excitement get too much, take a break. Find a quiet spot to relax and breathe.
Write About Them: Write a letter or a story about your loved one and what they meant to you. It can help you feel closer to them.
Think of Good Memories: Remember the happy times you had with them. Think about what they would want you to enjoy during Christmas.
Take Care of Yourself: Eat well, play outside, or cuddle up with a favourite book or movie. Taking care of yourself is important.
Ask for Help: If you feel really sad or confused, talk to a parent, teacher, or counsellor. They can help you feel better.
Beautiful Eimear ❤️